its been so long i dont even know where to being...

well, right this moment, i am trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life.

i have no job, no money, i live at home, and i am 300 miles away from my dearest friends...

i need a change of pace!

ucr? not sure. that would be great. theater and asl...sounds good right?

well...we shall see. whoever will have me :)

lets just pray that god's will is done, that sounds wisest. 

so...

...its been over a month since my last post.

which doesn't seem to matter since i don't think anyone reads this anyways.

but right now, i feel as though i need to vent.

say what i am feeling.

what i am thinking.

what i long for.

you know... the usual.

it has been a few weeks since all of my friends left to go back to their homes, jobs, various other locations across the globe. my girls packed up their belonging, checked out, and moved back home. my choir friends packed their bags, then unpacked them, then packed them again, and loaded all their stuff onto buses and planes, and headed out to do their part in spreading the word, and music, of cal baptist. and then, even others, walked down an isle, in matching gowns, and announced to their friends and family, along with several hundred more people, that they had finished college, and were now moving on with their lives. and even more still, will be walking down a different isle... sharing with their friends and family a commitment to another person that they will love and cherish each other as long as they both shall live. through all these leavings, comings, announcements and commitments, i have stayed here. right where i was... well i moved a few blocks north, but for the most part... you know what i mean. i have had friends come visit me since they left. i have also gone to visit friends who i hadn't seen in a long while. while these visits were more than enjoyable, there were always good byes. there were the heartfelt hugs, the choking back of tears, and the occasional kiss. while there is still constant communication; the happy birthday emails, the random phone calls early in the morning, or the ongoing txt conversations late into the night; it is not the same as having those friends there with you when you need them. when you need that girlfriend to tell you that that guy was a jerk and you should just forget about him all together... or when you need that hug from that special guy where he wraps you in his arms and holds you tight making you feel warm and safe all over... or when you need those late night coffee runs where there is kelly clarkson blaring in the car and laughter the whole way home. not having friends close by is harder than i could have ever imagined. good friends who you can count on is something that i never thought i would be without. and those short lived visits are becoming harder and harder to stand, because the whole time we are together, i know that it is just a matter of time before i will have to say goodbye again. 

finally...

after a very long and stressful few days . . .

i have finished my marketing plan paper!

praise the lord . . . for serious!

this paper and this class has been the bane of my existence for the past week or so.

but thankfully i am now finished

another year complete.

next year . . . london, then rcc (or something of that nature)

good bye CBU . . . for now.

thankfully we part on good terms . . .

until grades come out! 

friends

they are the people who love you even when you are being a jerk

they will hug you and hold you close when you need it the most

they tell you you are beautiful when your face is covered with paint

they make you laugh when you are exhausted from crying too much

they call you out on your crap when others just ignore it

they tell you when you have that massive booger hanging out of your nose

they know when to keep secrets, and when its best to spill the beans

they laugh with you when you trip and fall down the stairs

they help you up after you trip and fall down the stairs

they laugh when you remember that time you tripped and fell down the stairs

they listen for hours while you rant and rave . . .

. . . even though they have no idea what in the world your talking about

they clean up your room as a surprise for you after a long and stressful week

they call you just to say hello and see how things are going

they write postcards every week while they are away on vacation, keeping you informed

they dont lie to you, they tell the truth, even though sometimes it hurts

they feel for you when you are at your wits end and want to give up on life

they talk some sense into you when you want to give up on life

they remind you of all the good things you have, including them, when you want to give up

true friends are the people who, when you say that something is bothering you and you need some prayer, stop everything, take your hand in their own, and, on bended knee, pray for you right then and there. they go before the lord on your behalf, just because you asked them to. 

those are true friends. 

they are hard to find.

but when you find them . . .

hold on to them!

thank you to my dearest of friends.

i love you.

you are truly a blessing in my life.

<3 

my weakness

so a few days ago i made a vow to before God and every other human being who uses the internet... NO COFFEE! 

well since that night, i have broken that vow every single day! i feel like a terrible person. :(

i have no self control when it comes to coffee.

I AM IN LOVE!

there is no other way to explain it...

coffee is my one true love.

it is a comfort to me when i am feeling depressed.

it is a pick-me-up when i have a long night of studying ahead of me.

and its the perfect thing to drink over a deep and intellectual conversation.

all you need is a cup of joe!

(thats what i wrote on my starbucks application under the 

"what do you like about coffee?" part.)

i have a feeling that this blog is going to become a rant about coffee

its my favorite thing! 

ask anyone who knows me even in the slightest,

and they will tell you...

coffee and aj go hand in hand. 

we are the perfect pair.

coffee is always there for me.

(so long as i have a few bucks in my pocket)

coffee will never hurt me.

it will never lie to me.

it will always be there when i most need it.

it will never come up with some lame excuse to explain its misbehavior.

it will never leave me hanging in the balance between normal and completely jacked-up.

it will always make me smile.

it always leaves me feeling better about myself and not dirty and gross afterwards.

coffee and i were destined to be lovers.

and there is nothing i can do to change that.

and no man will ever come between me and my coffee.

any man who wants me will have to understand that coffee will always come FIRST! 

my new philosophy!

on alternating days....

i chose a different phrase....

some take a lifetime....

mine take a minute!

oh yeah? thats what you think?

why are you telling me?

no!

i can't stand it!

someone has said that we should live each day as if it were the last day of the rest of our life...

some philosophies aren't for all people.

i have been listening to the charlie brown soundtrack all day,

literally all day...well its been a constant alteration between that and 

sara bareilles (if you haven't heard her yet, be sure to check her out! fantastic!)

but i have fallen in love with charlie brown

i cant think of anything better at the moment

got a chance to support my friends and applaud their hard work, 

and now im in love! <3

i need to come up with a new philosophy for my life though

kristin chenoweth has inspired me

its been a long couple of weeks....

drama seems to be constantly surrounding me...whats new?

but i think for the time being my new philosophy would have to be....

something along the lines of....

dream as if you'll live forever.

live as if you'll die today.

- james dean

-or-

all our dreams can come true,

if we have the courage to pursue them.

- walt disney

-or-

all the world's a stage,

and all the men and women merely players:

they have their exits and their entrances;

and one man in his time plays many parts,

his acts being seven ages.

- william shakespeare

i think the last one is my favorite. thanks will.

if anyone can explain to me exactly what it means....i would be eternally grateful.

good night and god bless dear friends

long day...

due to my lack of sleep last night...

i woke up with barely enough time to get ready for class

my presentation in marketing sounded like mush

i was forced to take a nap out on the lawn

(but that didn't work too well because)

i was so incredible tired that sleep refused again to come

i used the remainder of my energy to drive briea around town running errands 

short shower gave me just enough to last through brad's recital

birthday celebrations were not as fun as should have been

(sleep is usual required the night before social occasions)

more sugar in the form of a black and white hot chocolate was loving supplied 

by my most favorite benjamin ever!

now im hoping that it will last me just long enough to get me through the end of

ferris bueller's day off!

(veronica's never seen it before so this should be interesting) :D

after this...

its off to bed...

till about noon tomorrow!

praise jesus for saturdays!!!

:)

lots of love <3

late night (early morning) thoughts

so it is officially 2:32 am and i am still awake

. . . unfortunately

as i lay in bed wide awake i am trying to figure out why my eyes are refusing to shut

i keep telling myself that i have a serious problem 

and that i should probably go see someone about it

but when i look away from the dark celling 

and towards my desk i see something that i regret. . .

a venti cup of joe with a dark logo on it that says starbucks

thats when i remember the five dollars i spent

thats when i remember the 8 pm run

thats when i remember the long list of overdue homework assignments that i have

and just then my mind begins to race. . .

another long list forms, and ideas about things to do this summer (random) begin to form

right then i want to inject myself with some sort of brain-slower-downer

thats when i remember why that cup was five dollars instead of my normal four and half

two extra shots

and thats when i begin to hate myself

for those of you who dont know me very well. . . i have a serious problem

i love coffee :)

but as i have learned tonight, coffee does not love me

because if it did, it would let me sleep!

as of right now, this morning, 2:40 am, friday april 18th, 

I AM GIVING UP COFFEE 

take that back. . .

I AM GIVING UP CAFFEINE!

keep me honest O Lord

and let me sleep tonight

amen